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The Vidorian Shopper
August 9, 1988
Ricochet
by Rick Young
In your never-ending quest for truth, justice and the American way, we ring you the latest in the epic saga of Matthew the Drug Dog.
As you'all probably recall, Matthew is listed among the missing. The famed narcotics-sniffing canine, a former member of the Orange County Anti-Dope Army, has not been seen since late May. He was at that time - depending upon whom you listen to - sold, stolen, or chased into the swamps after committing acts of great social unacceptability on suspected drug dealer's carpets.
Rumors that he has left the country have surfaced. We have learned that one of those reported to have purchased Matthew is not an American at all but a Canadian physician practicing in Jasper County. Some say the dog has gone over to the other side of the border and is now know throughout the Yukon as Matthew the Mountie.
Others have said that Matthew is under FBI protections and is in the care and custody of the federal government. Evidence of this , it has been alleged, has come from the office of senate spending watchdog (no puns intended) William Proxmire, D-Wis., who has come up with receipts for 1700-per can Alpo and $2000 pooper-scooper, evidence many say makes it clear-cut the feds have ol' Matt.
If the feds do have Matthew, they have their work cut out for them in getting him to testify in court, which would be the only reason they would possibly want him, I mean , the FBI agents we have dealt with locally would probably hold up a dog biscuit and demand he speak. Speak as in recite the Fourteenth Amendment to the U. S. Constitution. If Matthew speaks, I'm sure it would be the Miranda Decision. It doesn't matter, though we're told he alrdy gave Gary Richardson and Jeff Kearney his arfdavit. The FBI will learn, it'll be ruff getting Matthew to testify.
Oh, I'm sure he will eventually tell his tail. Judge Howell Cobb won't be able to muzzle this witness. Prosecutor Naman has to leave his leash outside the courttom' Richardson won't permit leading the witness.
W9ord has leaked that a CI (cat informant, in police parlance), in an effort to discredit any testimony Matthew may give, has revealed certain unpolice-like transgressions. Orange County narcotics officers have admitted that he has, on occasion, not conducted himself in the most professional manner in public. A certain incident under the piano in a certain church notwithstanding, Matthew may still have a leg up on other members of the department's public conduct. Being something of a wag in his comments, Matthew's testimony can be expected to put a bite on certain senior non-elected county officials.
We have established, however that Matthew has recently been seen. A normally reliable source said he spied a familiar talented highly trained, cold wet nose in company of Ed McMahon in a recent Alpo commercial. The FBI, it appears, in keeping with their normal witness protection plan efforts, has changed Matthew's coloring and clipped his ears, took him by one beauty college and had his tail fluffed, and got him a jog in the entertainment industry.
He's now known as Benji.
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